Dear Mom…

Today marks two years since we lost you, and while each day gets a little easier knowing you’re in a better place without all the pain and suffering you endured, I still miss and think about you everyday.

Last night, I re-read the eulogy that I wrote for your funeral, and it dawned on me that I should clarify/update the one thing which I’m sure made you mad as hell.

I know you know what I’m talking about…they were the first words I spoke when I stood in front of your family and friends – “It’s hard not to think that I lost a bit of my identity on Monday when mom died. Afterall, if I’m not calling her everyday, talking with her doctors, making calls on her behalf – basically doing all the things she hated that I had to do for her — then who am I?”

Please rest assured I do know who I am.  I am the boy you raised, all by yourself, who is respectful to his elders, loving to his family and friends and kind to strangers in need. I am a proud black gay male who is never afraid to speak up when I feel something is wrong or needs to be said.  These are all of the things you taught and instilled in me and while it may have seemed from the opening of my eulogy that I’d forgotten them, please know that I haven’t.

As this is the first time I’ve actually said to you that I’m gay, let me apology for never saying it to you directly.  I never once thought that you would disapprove or act in a manner that would have made me feel like I was less of a person or a man.  With all that you were going through and the fact that you couldn’t help but worry about me, I just didn’t want to add that burden on you. I know that you knew [Mothers always do] and in a way that always helped me deal with the guilt I felt not telling you directly.  I know now it was wrong and I hope you can forgive me.  

While I haven’t found a perfect mate yet, I am very happy and blessed.  I have a great circle of friends who fill my life each and every day with laughter and love. Oh and for the record, Brandon is still NOT my boyfriend.  He actually got married last summer to an amazing guy and we now all live together. 

The rest of your children – Billy, Frank and Stefanie are all doing well, and while we don’t get to see each other as much as we’d like to, we’re all still very connected.

So, while I can’t bring myself to wish you a happy 2^nd anniversary in heaven, sorry, I’m selfish…I’d much rather have you here…I hope the party is going well.  I can smell the Jamaican delicacies – Oxtail (I have finally mastered your recipe for curried oxtail!!), rice & peas, potato salad and fried chicken and can hear the Bob Marley, Jimmy Cliff and Peter Tosh songs blasting away in the distance. Please give Daddy (my grandfather to all those reading this) a big hug and kiss for me and tell him his Nets stink worse than ever this year!

I love and miss you both…so very much.

Christopher