Dear Mom,

Jan 20, 2014

I supposed I could start of by saying I miss you, but I think that’s implied in the words, “Dear Mom.”

There have been a lot of changes in the last year. Some extremely positive (mostly in regards to my health), some that could be promising (but who knows — I never really count on these things anyway), and then there’s Luther. Yes, my father.

Last June, I started to search just to see if maybe I could find some of his children. It didn’t take me too long to find something. What I found, was someone online who I was fairly certain was him, which I have to admit was quite shocking since I was under the impression that he had long past. I sent him a message and didn’t hear anything back for a few weeks. In fact, by time I did hear back from him, I had already forgotten about sending the message.

His response was brief. He confirmed who he was, and asked that I give him a call.

A few days went by before he messaged again asking me to call, which I finally did several days later.

Our chat was fine. He’s got the same deep voice, although it has aged. He asked about you early on in the conversation, so I explained what happened, and he seemed genuinely sad about your death, which was comforting.

He wanted to get together, but I told him it wasn’t a good time, but that I’d stay in touch. Work at the time was very busy, and I didn’t really have time. We also talked about Aunt Sadie, which I have to say excited me quite a bit because I felt like you’d really want me to get back in touch with her.

The summer came and went. We spoke once again before my vacation started in late August and then again in mid-September just as the prep for my surgery began. That was the last we spoke.

He has reached out to me several times since then, but I have yet to get back to him. I honestly can’t say why. I know…I reached out to him originally, so clearly part of me wanted to.

And I’m certainly not doing it out of ‘loyalty’ to you. It’s not like you ever prevented me from seeing him, at least to my knowledge.

And it’s certainly not because I’m gay. It wouldn’t be my problem if he had an issue with it. It would be his.

I think I just need a bit more time to process it all I guess. I’ve never been one to hide from my issues (I wonder who I got that from), so I’m certainly not going to start now.

Otherwise, life in general is pretty good. Yup, I’m still single, but I am ‘dating’ again, so hopefully the next time I write, I’ll have something to say other than please stop worrying about me, I’m fine and not alone. I’m really not Mom. I still have the most amazing friends (Brandon, Eileen, Jonathan, Mike, Gaby, Regan, Houston, Nick, Alex, and Liza just to name a few), and because of you, I am capable of functioning on my own. Would it be nice to share my life with someone? Absolutely, and I really hope to. But my overall happiness doesn’t depend on it.

And here’s why…

TJ, Stefiane’s son, who is not so little any more, is being Confirmed by the Catholic Church this March. As part of the process, you are asked to adopt a Confirmation name (generally of a Saint) as your guide and protector. TJ chose “Christopher” as his Confirmation name. In choosing the name, he wrote, “I chose that name because it is the name of my Uncle, who I love with all of my heart.” He concludes by saying, “I would like to be kind and strong like St. Christopher, bearing Christ on my shoulders across my life like its Christ-bearer origins. I would also like to fill other hearts with love like my Uncle.”

To be honest, I still can’t get through reading that without tearing up. He has grown up to be such an amazing young man, one you would be so very proud of. Stef, her mom and sisters have done a tremendous job helping him to become the young man he is today. Granted, I still don’t approve how big he’s grown, but at least he’s a good kid. I’m beyond honored that he loves me that much, and it goes without saying the feeling is completely mutual. So you see Mom, my life is filled my love. So much so, that it’s impossible to feel alone.

Eileen’s son Will is growing up fast as well. He is such a bright light. Thank you for whatever small part you played in bringing him to us and for watching over him. You honestly can’t help but smile when he looks at you. And smart?? Oh my word…the kid is brilliant!! Honestly, it’s kids like TJ and Will that make me want to have kids in the worst way, thus of course fulfilling your dream of becoming a Grandmother. It may still happen one day. Don’t lose hope yet.

And because I know I can’t end this before speaking of your other “sons…” Billy and Frank are both doing well. We’re long overdue for a visit with each other, and hopefully it will happen sooner than later.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say. Six years have come and gone really fast Mom, but you have not been forgotten. The boys and I, Stefanie…everyone still talks about you. We all miss your courage, your love and most important that killer smile of yours.

I love you Mom. Say hi to Daddy [my grandfather for those who aren’t familiar with that nickname] for me and make sure he knows I still think about, miss and love him just as much.

I’ve given a lot of thought to this year’s song dedications. Some of them are your favorites, others are mine that I’m certain you would love as well. I can’t say it enough, of all the gifts you gave me in your lifetime, I can’t thank you again for passing along your love of music to me. I couldn’t get through this thing called life, without it.

– Christopher

“I’ll Take You There” – The Staple Sisters