Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday in Heaven. It’s taken me seven years, but I can finally say those words. I’d still rather have you here, but knowing you are there, out of pain, surrounded by love and those you love, makes it easier now to commemorate this day. Accepting it has made this January less painful than the previous ones without you. I also believe a wonderful holiday season and a reunion of sorts, which I’ll explain further in a bit, contributed to the year starting off on a better note. Last Friday however was still a difficult day. Last year I wrote about it and called the post, “Revisiting a Day.” I believe it helped to finally put to “paper” all the thoughts that were swirling in my head about the last day we spent together. Don’t get me wrong, this month, which starts off with your birthday and ends with this anniversary, still sucks. But, I’m happy to say I’m finally making progress.

A lot has happened in the past year. Some good, some not so good. But I find more and more that your now infamous phrase, “no way, worse” is playing a larger part in my life as I get older. As I’m sure you planned.

The world is a lot scarier these days. People who claim to love a “God” are still murdering innocent people in name of their “God.” It’s really a terrifying trend, and one I know you would not understand. Many of us still don’t and never will.

The world isn’t all bad. If you look hard enough, you can find the good. You just have to be willing to look for it.

We might as well get this part out of the way…yes Mom, I’m still single. I discovered in the past year that in addition to being able to cook, clean and love as you did…I’ve also picked up your “ability” to attract men who are….well, we’ll just leave that sentence right where it is. While I’m pretty certain that is something you never imagined you’d hear me say, it is I’m afraid, the sad truth.

It saddens me that I have yet to find someone who I can share my life with, especially when just about everyone else has, but I haven’t give up. I know that is not something you would want or approve of me doing. It’s tiring, frustrating and yes, lonely at times, but knowing there are far worse things in the world, makes it easier to put one foot in front of the other each day.

I still have amazing friends and people that I share my life with, so I’m not alone. TJ continues to grow at a ridiculous rate that I still do not approve of. He’s gone from the little boy who would fall asleep in my arms to a bright young man who is now inches taller than I am. Stefanie continues to do an amazing job raising him, with the help of her sisters and Mother. He truly is the best of all of them.

I reconnected with Arlene, Erica and Larry late last year. So much time had gone by. Too much time. Arlene lost Stephen in 2013. She’s doing well, but it doesn’t take a psychic to understand the pain she has had to endure — losing her best friend. Erica and Larry also seem to be doing well. I’m hopeful that the new year will bring more opportunities to stay in touch with all of them. I’ve missed them all so very much.

The kids…well they’re not kids any more. To be honest, after all those years of hearing people at 9 Birch Street remark about knowing me when I was a little boy, I now fully understand the sentiment behind what they meant. All of the “kids” have grown into wonderful young adults. Sarah and Hannah are just like Erica with a big dose of Larry. I also got to see David who, has grown up very nicely. Daniel is married and living in Chicago and little Laura is living in New York City working in the Arts. Beth has been fighting the good fight working in Washington and on Democratic campaigns across the country. It’s remarkable really. Time goes by so quickly. As with TJ, I can remember all of them as babies, which leads me to ask…when the hell did I get to be so old?!?!

Between David, Sarah, Daniel, Beth, Hannah and Laura I’ve seen first-hand how the cutest little ones, grow into beautiful young adults. And while all the things I said earlier about the world being a scary place are true, knowing these amazing young people, TJ, Billy’s boys, Will Grady and Liza and Marvin’s beautiful new twins, leads me to hope that the world has some amazing people in the wings who will make it a better place.

Speaking of a better place, Heaven gain a new angel last year. My friend Chris, yes, the one you liked who used to call all the time, lost his Mom, Mary Ann, late last summer. She was truly a special person. Like you, she spread love with whomever she came in contact with. I’ve been trying to be there for Chris as he goes through the “process.” He has good friends that he counts on, who are there for him. Seeing him hurt is hard, but I know he’ll be OK eventually. For the most part, he’s doing really well, but it’s draining. I remember the first year all too well. And to be completely honest, they were a lot closer than we were. So, please make a point of looking out for him, for me.

The only sad news I have to share with you, and it’s not really all that “sad,” is that I’m losing my rock, Gaby. Yes Mom…she’s still gay as am I. It’s STILL not happening. She’s moving [back] to California next week to live with her girlfriend Marisa, who moved there last Fall for a new job. It makes sense…Gaby’s going home, where she’ll be closer to her family. All I can say is, it’s a good thing denial is a powerful tool. I’ve been able to use it to my advantage up to this point, but Thursday is the last time we’re scheduled to see each other before she leaves. We’re going to the ballet — a first for me. I’m really looking forward to it, but it will be an emotional roller-coaster. I know we’ll get through it, and I know we’ll be OK in the end. But not having her here is going to be tough.

I won’t have too much time to be sad about Gaby’s departure, as I’ll be heading South to visit with Brandon soon after. My good friend Mike will also be there, so it should be a nice few days of fun and laughter. Time goes by entirely too fast. It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly 4-years since we lived together. (And that STILL isn’t going to happen either, Mom.) Life goes on…as long as you let it. I learned that from you. And while it’s hard sometimes to pick-up and move on, what other choice is there?

I guess the other elephant in the room is my Father. I continue to put off building a relationship with Luther, for reasons, I honestly don’t know at this point. I clearly wanted to see if he was in fact still alive, and once I found that out, I’ve been dragging my feet ever since. I did see him once last summer, when he was in the hospital, but we’ve only spoken sparingly ever since. I need to decide once and for all if I want to have a relationship with him before it’s too late. I certainly don’t want to regret not having one out of some notion that you wouldn’t want me to. I’ve even lost touch with Helena, who I was starting to get to know and correspond with on a regular basis. I need to reconnect with her and I also need to connect with Aunt Sadie. I know at the very least, you would want me to do the latter, and I will.

I’ll end this year’s letter with good news. My health, for the most part continues to improve. Since my surgery, I’ve lost over 100 pounds, and while I’ve stalled a bit in recent months due to various respiratory illnesses, I remain committed to the ultimate goal of being fit, healthy and living a long and full life.

Oh…one more thing. I did something last year that I know will please you beyond words. It was just something that felt right at the time and continues to today. I started using my full name – Christopher. Part of it was due in large part because of the honor TJ bestowed upon me by choosing to add my name to his, as part of his Confirmation. The other was because I know it bothered you that I never appreciated or used the name you gave me. Well, I do now, and not for just signing my yearly letter to you.

Seven years. It’s really hard to believe it’s been that long already. Mostly because I feel you with me and know you are there. But…I just miss you. You are still loved, thought of and talked about often. I only hope that you feel the love up in Heaven.

I’ve chosen five more of your favorite songs to close out this years letter. As the norm…they touch upon the many different genres of music you taught me to love and appreciate.

Please say hello to Daddy, Ms. Mary, Ms. Varnell, Ms. Judy, Grandpa, Mrs. P., Stephen, George and Mary Ann. Please let them know they are all still loved and deeply missed.

Your “sons” Billy and Frank and “daughter” Stefanie all say hello.

I love you , Mommy.

Christopher

“Take My Hand Precious, Lord” – Mahalia Jackson

“Ole Man Trouble” – Otis Redding

“Rise” – Herb Albert

“I Feel Love” – Donna Summer

“No Woman, No Cry” – Bob Marley